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And suddenly I’m 15 again. Crying in the bathroom at 4 am. Hitting my fat thighs. Scratching at my huge stomach. And suddenly it’s just me and my thoughts. The thoughts that sabotage me at every step. The same thoughts that starved and recovered and have never hated me more.
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slowly slipping into my old habits again.
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we’re getting bad again..
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to sit on people’s laps without crushing them
to be picked up when i hug people
so i’m so skinny the doctors don’t think my weight loss is good anymore
so people don’t use me as a pillow
to climb trees again
to worry people
to wear tank tops without hating myself
to feel clean and in control
to be carried easily
to share clothes and actually fit in others clothes
to see my bones
to be skinny like i was when i was a kid
to actually do something right for once
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The eldest daughter urge “to play your mom’s therapist after every fight she has with dad”
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living with your mother is like
why don’t you like me // if you don’t like me can you atleast love me // please don’t love me, i couldn’t bear to be loved by a monster // I’d rather be an unloved creature than yours // when will i feel safe again // why didn’t you pick me up when i fell // why didnt you tell me it wasn’t my fault // it wasn’t my fault // i tried to apologize anyway // i hate you too
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not getting the love and attention you need from your mother at an early age really fucks you up, especially if you had to watch her give that love to everyone else. what do you do when one of the people you need most doesn’t even want you
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I don’t know how many times I survived myself without telling anyone.
-V. J.
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lay out intentions like paving of ease in future moments. “i’m gonna have fun in class tomorrow”, “when i go for a walk i’m gonna see so many beautiful things”, “i’m gonna have the most cozy night tonight”, “i’m gonna be very present with my friend on wednesday”, etc. see how easily the moment adapts. it’s like a little spell to set yourself up for goodness
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